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| Monday, January 26th, 2009 | | 2:41 am |
i am slowly starting to find out who my *real* friends are | | Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 | | 3:06 am |
I am sorely tempted to start keeping a record of the fucked up dreams i've been having lately. The medicine I've been on for the thyroid issues say that a side effect is sleeplessness, as well as nightmares. Let me tell you, they're not lying. Last night was one example. I didn't sleep most of the night and actually was up pretty early to grab a bite to eat. I went back to sleep and dreamed something to the effect of watching the world being reshaped via massive explosions, earthquakes, and floods. Your typical apocalypse fare it would seem. But I remember when things started blowing up, I jumped into this car with an old woman and we just started driving like crazy towards the beach and I remember commenting on mountains I had never noticed before in the area. When we got to the beach, the waves were coming in like a storm. This is the fucked up part...as I walked in the sand, I noticed I kept tripping over things...these things were body parts...severed feet, hands, limps, heads...and people were out at the beach like it was nothing. Some surfing the high waves, some just getting along like it was a party....of course until the explosions started again. The only silver lining in this was at the end, I understood this to be a movie I was watching and not reality, or whatever you wanna call it. And yet...this all seems more tolerable than dreaming of the ex g/f. | | Friday, July 11th, 2008 | | 3:28 am |
There are no words to describe how frightened I was tonight. I woke up today feeling absolutely freezing. And at my dad's place where I sleep, there is no A/C so I would have no logical reason to feel so cold. The day wears on and even with normal eating, I begin feeling weaker and weaker. I got more and more anxious as the day progressed as well. It was too much. I sucked it up and went to the ER....and let me tell you, I have never felt so horrible in my life. I had this horrible feeling I wasn't going to come home. Unfounded, ridiculous, call it what you will, I seriously thought I was dying. The anxiety on top of the metabolic drama did not help one bit. I waited with a blanket around my arms and still was freezing cold, and dizzier than I recall in recent memory. I finally got blood work done as I had meant to do this week but never found a means of doing so. I probably did myself a huge disservice waiting this long, but as it turns out this all boiled down to elevated T3 and T4 levels in my blood. Basically, my thyroids are overworking. Something that's been suspected for years now since this whole anxiety mess started. The relief right now takes off a huge weight of worry. | | Sunday, July 6th, 2008 | | 3:18 am |
Yes I worry...I worry too damn much, in fact. And if I could personify or just make tangible that part of me that never lets go of thoughts and paranoia, I would beat it into non existence. I should trust a professional when they tell me problems are alleviated by simple means such as diet, healthy thinking, and just calming down. But there's that nagging part of my brain which produces these sinister thoughts. On top of that, the worry that talking about these things is almost an affirmation that something is fatally wrong. It's a bit much, I know, but these things just circle around and around and a few times a day, they'll leave me alone and I'm at peace. And I am sleeping at least. These low blood sugar crashes frighten me. And it seems like such a daunting task to change my diet completely from 2-3 meals a day to eating something once every 3 hours. Nothing big, just a healthy meal and a decent snack in between. You grow complacent with even the most mundane of daily life activities, and a change up can send you into a nervous fit. And for what, having to eat MORE? Oh I don't know.... The anxiety, the dizziness, the cold sweats, the COMPLETE and utter discomfort of being around crowds and in public has got to stop. You add anxiety symptoms on top of other things that already are bothering you, the feeling that one is dying is almost understandable. Or so I would think. And of course there's the part of me that thinks this could all be self inflicted , again by that undisclosed part of my consciousness that is seemingly waging an insurrection against my well-being. If you're reading this as I type it, kindly take a vacation for about...let's say...60 years. Come back when I'm 90 or so, and I can comfortably leave this world having time to fulfill all the things that need to be done. By the way, no I don't think I'm really dying. I'm just not made of the stuff that keeps people moving along like normal in spite of silly symptoms that crop up and make life difficult. I've tolerated weird things before chalking it up to anxiety and they go away after awhile. Something new pops up the cycle continues. This time I just want to be sure this is the same old routine because I don't want to ignore what may be something more than the ghost in my head. That said, ghost, and I know you're reading this; we have work to do. Current Mood:  aggravated | | Saturday, May 24th, 2008 | | 4:59 am |
I see a friend of mine who is in the situation I found myself in 5 years ago. No matter how fast the time has seemed to fly by, all it takes is a moment or two of unhealthy dwelling to remember it all in vivid detail. I'm hoping he can move on free of any ghosts that would follow him after such an ordeal. I hope to myself, one day. | | Wednesday, January 16th, 2008 | | 5:34 am |
Swept Under the Rug
I guess there is only so much I can let out about my frustrations about with my own art when it comes to what the public sees. Well then, you lucky few LJ watchers get a potential earful. Every so often, I feel stagnation in my work. I'm frustrated with colour choices, anatomy problems, the same habits I cannot break, even trying to free myself from comfort zones that I've worked into. And it's probably the latter that's holding me back. I know it doesn't help. Thinking of the potential spectrum I could utilise my skills in is almost infinite. Yet, I tend to stay in this rut of women, fantasy, women, occasional fan arts from a game or the ever-rare anime that catches my eye, and....women. Back in November and December I sketched out this OK picture of an armour-clad fella and his 3 dog beasts on chains. It's still sitting unfinished in the confines of 3 different hard drives. And you'd think the workload I have left which all involve females would at least make the burden a little easier. On the contrary. In my mind, I'm foreseeing the results which look none to different from what you may already find crammed in my gallery. I can't shake the worry that I'm not cut out for this business. My motivation to keep up a consistently updated web page and Myspace page is null. It's keeping that bare minimum that'll pull in what business there is and play the waiting game while the only page that is updated, Deviantart, grows into an even larger, festering shithole of teen angst, anime, furry, and who-is-ryoooki's-real-account-this-week? .... Lord knows I shouldn't grow to depend on D/A in bringing a following of any sort. And this leads back to the motivation problem. I used to have a somewhat good pace in posting work on ConceptArt till the last batch of pictures I uploaded were reamed and gutted of any pride I had in them. This isn't a career for the thin-skinned, but you lose a part of yourself when a professional on C/A tells you , in short, your art is nothing special and your faces are ugly. Let me say, however, I've made some progress. Non anime faces make sense. And I feel there's a cohesiveness in all the elements in whatever it is I paint now. No more struggling to mix elements of one style with another. Unity! But it's going to take so much more. It's going to take a bigger fire to burn than the one that occasionally lights the room and be replaced with electricity and modern plumbing! I think I do a good job of presenting this motivation and drive to those who look from the outside. The inside feels like a snake oil salesman every time somebody asks for an interview or small publication. I spend the personal time feeling like a complete hypocrite. And a stronger man wouldn't sleep in and refuse to work till nightfall. The days would be spent living , breathing, eating, and (barely) sleeping the craft I have convinced people I work my life around. I would have the means of getting up and leaving an apartment with shitty room mates and settling down elsewhere. My brain finds more frustration than it does solutions. A problem that could be the crux of this whole matter. No matter what common sense tells me; that what I see on paper/monitor is not what other people will perceive; this doesn't keep the nagging feeling that I'm not where I should be. The bills don't wait and the helping hands aren't going to be around forever when a hole comes along to fall into. And there feels like a ticking clock over my head to find this...thing...whatever is I'm looking for in my career. | | Friday, May 4th, 2007 | | 12:16 am |
| | Thursday, March 29th, 2007 | | 2:10 pm |
| | Sunday, January 21st, 2007 | | 4:56 pm |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bw_inc tagged me for 5 things you may, may not, or care to know about me 1: i like stomachs...like how some people have foot fetishes, mine is with middrifts...hell look at my paintings. 2: i hate initiating conversations b/c i just don;t know how to. unless it's a business matter or i'm selling my art, i'm too self conscious about how i look, sound, etc to really put it aside and just be social. 3: sometimes i don't feel alive or like i'm on this planet. hard to really explain, but i feel like a spectator through someone else's eyes. i think i do everything i should but i don't know why i speak, feel, move, hear, etc. 4: it's absurd but i really feel like people don't like me and/or that i'm a serious asshole. 5: for being so down on my art, i really do feel a bit of defense when someone really rips apart my work. perhaps it's delusions of grandeur? i don't tag anyone...do this in your own LJ if you want :P | | Saturday, November 18th, 2006 | | 8:00 pm |
stolen from woeful 1. Pick one of my characters, any one. 2. I will tell you the origin of his/her/its name. 3. I will tell you five random facts surrounding his/her/its creation (if I can remember). 4. I will tell you his/her/its favourite colour, book, band/song/album, and/or movie. Indicate which one. 5. I will give you a brief summary of his/her/its backstory, if you desire. Indicate yes or no. 6. I will give you a brief summary of his/her/its forestory, if you desire (and if active rp plots allow). Please indicate yes or no. 7. You may ask me up to ten questions about the character (I have the right to refuse to answer any due to active rp plot spoilers). 8. If you place this in your journal, I will return the favour. | | Saturday, October 21st, 2006 | | 2:27 pm |
meme fag
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... Opening Credits Nile - Cast Down the Heretic Waking Up Avail - Forgotten First Day At School Helmet - Gigantor Falling In Love Fugazi- Break In (wow...a rape song) Fight Song Dillenger Escape Plan - Van Damsel Breaking Up Squirrel Nut Zippers - Hell Prom Deftones - Minerva (it's kinda slow....) Life Is Good ...And You WIll Know Us By the Trail of Dead - Relative Ways Mental Breakdown Mastodon- Colony of Birchmen ( "run with death" is fitting) Driving Dropkick Murphys - Do or Die Flashback Primus - Over the Falls Getting Back Together Alabama Thunderpussy - Amounts That Count (good call) Wedding Guitar Vader - Mysterious Dirty Girl (what???) Paying The Dues Mastodon- Elephant Man (i have all their shit..) The Night Before The War Smiths - How Soon Is Now Final Battle DangerDOOM - El Chupra Nibre (the hell??) Moment of Triumph Blind Melon - Tones of Home Death Scene Diselboy - FLight 643 Funeral Song Opeth - Atonement (prophetic!!!) End Credits NOFX - Pump Up the Valium | | Friday, September 29th, 2006 | | 12:27 am |
*computer desk: apply directly to the forhead *computer desk: apply directly to the forhead *computer desk: apply directly to the forhead | | Thursday, August 3rd, 2006 | | 11:32 am |
heh, i've been sleeping better for about a week now ;) this day is marked. | | Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 | | 5:25 am |
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
| | Saturday, July 15th, 2006 | | 9:34 pm |
( Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
× I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
✓ I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. (summer of 2001) |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. |
✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (but i've kept it under wraps) |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| × I curse sometimes. |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... ) | | Tuesday, June 20th, 2006 | | 5:43 am |
I can think of a lot of things to say to someone that turns their back on a friend. Most of which is probably harsh, crazy, or a healthy combo of both. But I'm done. It's given me more headaches than good in the past week or so and I'm just sick of it. I'll deal with it if that's how this has to play out. Lord knows I need to find out why I don't let go of things as easily as other people. I want to think that it's not a fault of mine that I have a more old fashioned sense of how people should respect one another even when it comes to arguements. Whatever, though. I don't wish you any ill, but I don't have to wish you well either. | | Friday, May 19th, 2006 | | 6:25 pm |
i think i have come upon one of those life changing epiphanies. let me be frank. my ties to baltimore are with good friends, of course, but a ton of memories of a past that will not happen again. i'm not saying i won't be happy again, i'm saying that particular past is gone and dead. my time there was good. and i sort of regret not staying up there instead of coming to savannah, but there must have been a meaning behind this. my time in baltimore is spent walking around soaking up and remembering how everywhere i go has a special tie to something that happened 3 or more years ago with someone very special. i can easily recapture that feeling just being there. but is it really healthy to keep doing this? i'm 27 and still heavily relying on remembering those times when i was far younger. i can smile about the past till i'm blue in the face but i realise i'm not really thinking in the long run for the future. and my future is much healthier with people i know i've made a bond with down here, probably. people in my field of work, people who understand my interests, and so forth. it's not saying my baltimore group doesn't, but aside from my ex...noone's an artist...noone freelances...i can't talk shop with anyone face to face. i suppose it would require some serious socialising, but i think i know these people down here now. and of course...it always points back to her. like i said...there's not a place in baltimore i can't walk or sit and not have some memory of us together. that's not going to do me any good to keep doing this..... most of the people here are moving to atlanta...and i have a chance to room with my brother there. everyone will be apart, but still in the same city. and of course, it's not some isolated city in the middle of the swamps. atlanta's a great city, no doubt. do i break this bad habit and make a new life for myself elsewhere, or return to what's familiar and try to fool myself that i can recover under that umbrella of memories and still be a new person in the process? | | Sunday, May 7th, 2006 | | 3:57 am |
now off the meds cos there were some side effects (blurry vision, insomnia, prolonged dizziness) that i really need to tell the Dr about on monday. first day off them was great. almost like i'd not missed a beat. today was different. the dizziness from the withdrawl (knew that was coming) was kind of a beat down this evening. right now everything still feels like it's in tunnel vision at times. it's hard to focus on friends talking and other things cos i'm so wrapped up in my own damn head. it's so very remeniscent of last time it happened. i honestly can't pinpoint when it ended and when everything got back to normal. i wish there was some easy fix, but i know it requires drugs and possibly therapy that i cannot afford. it's taking support from those around me and just trying to have fun in spite of what's going on inside. let it be known that i enjoy my damn life and i want countless more years of it to live. it's not so much to ask that i want to feel like i'm part of it. it's what seperates me from the whole emo wrist cutting whiny types that think they have nothing to live for. i know i do and i want to fuckin go after it with everything i got. it's just gonna take something that's not material to snap me out. and right now , i have no clue. | | Saturday, January 21st, 2006 | | 2:37 am |
- Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into Dan.
- California is the biggest exporter of Dan in the world!
- Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Dan supply!
- A sixteenth century mathematician lost his nose in a duel over his love for Dan, and wore a silver replacement for the rest of his life.
- Dan can clean his ears with his tongue, which is over thirty-nine inches long.
- Devoid of his cells and proteins, Dan has the same chemical makeup as sea water.
- A thimbleful of Dan would weigh over 100 million tons!
- Dan is 1500 years older than the pyramids.
- If you lace Dan from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
- Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover up Dan.
| | Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 | | 4:13 am |
one day, i hope i'll settle down somewhere i don't end up feeling isolated and depressed. |
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